(no subject)

[donesinging]

 this is how i'm supposed to understand things i suppose. the brilliant and clear sky above. everyone makes it out to be so easy. as if life is supposed to be easy to understand. i don't understand it! how do i survive on vinegar? i lap it up like i've never had anything to drink before in my life. like a refreshing beverage from one of those vending machines. but it's so sour. it hurts me, it doesn't make sense. the way it hurts isn't what you think, i'm sure of it, but .

i'm sorry i fixate on the vigil so much. but we have to understand our births. the circumstances in which the moon watches us as we enter screaming. am i going to leave screaming? 

my father, his cigarette lighter in hand, lighting the smoky air around me, the chill, as i came into this world. i miss him. i wish we hadn't grown apart, but he doesn't approve of what i do here. so sensitive! he says.

and karn doesn't either, maybe. i do it because she tells me to, the important tasks, the outreach. Please Propagate Procure and so forth. but can't i also be my own being outside of direction? can't i be aimless and float in the wind? not too far, still tethered, but ... i don't know.

i don't know anything.

this is why this is the leviathan. because as we look into the sun and the world's depths, it devours us from the inside. a more powerful beast than anyone could believe.